I do want to make it perfectly clear, though, that we do not talk about the other parents (my ex included) when ANY of the kids are around and it is behind closed doors. They don't trash his exwife, but have shed some insight into why the kids act the way they do (living like slobs-way beyond that of a typical child, being allowed to look up porn in the internet freely, etc.) We don't allow the kids to talk badly of the other parent either because this is exactly the behavior his daughter displays at her house that hurts so much because it's all lies. Plus, if your kids aren't mad at you at least once a week, you're doing it wrong. lol
Yes, she raises them most of the month, which is why my bf feels we can't control the situation or change their behavior, and he is correct, but at the same time, we don't have to allow that behavior in our house and I will not tolerate it anymore. We have explained this to all of the kids-what rules are or are not at the other parents house do not apply here because we have our own set of rules. Some rules may be the same, but some may be different and in some cases, we may have more rules, but that for our family to function well, we need to have these rules.
We did have a huge talk last night and I laid it all out for him. He hasn't turned down the idea of counseling, so I will be getting more information on this and see how it all works with the insurance we have, etc. I explained that I am done moving forward with my relationship with his daughter. He got mad until I made him let me explain what I meant by that first. I told him that I have gone way more than halfway, and although I am not retreating, I'm not moving any further toward it until she starts meeting me halfway. I will not force a relationship with her as that would be a terrible one to start with and it would not grow and develop well. Plus, if it's forced, it's not worth it. I explained that I have put everything I have out there on the table and when she decides that it's ok to work on a relationship with me, I will be more than willing to walk down that road WITH her. He then calmed down and understood what I was saying and agreed. He said I should pull her aside and have a chat with her about how her behavior makes me feel. We tried this last time with him there with us and it didn't get us anywhere apparently, but he feels that trying it just between her and me might have a little more sway. I told him I wasn't comfortable with that because of the lies she runs home and tells her mother and everyone else that will listen. The decision has yet to be made on how I will deal with that one. We decided that the behavior will not be allowed to continue in our home and if need be, I will dish out a punishment as I see fit, the same as I do with the other children, when she blatantly disobeys or treats me badly.
I am committed to making this work as long as he's willing to back me up and we are working for the greater good in all of this. The moment he isn't willing to back me up, which he always has backed me up-he's just not been the best at taking charge of the situation and making a punishment stick until I get upset and make him make it stick, I am gone.
Thanks for letting me vent ladies and giving me some good advice. I was truly in a bad place not knowing what I should do. I was trying to look at it from every side and made excuses for this or that, and I just needed some unbiased opinions from an outside source. Yes, I was a little...or a lot...angry when I made my post so I'm sure it was more dramatic than it needed to be, but I didn't know what else to do and I wanted some outside opinions. I am grateful that you were all polite and weren't rude or disrespectful when replying. That wouldn't have helped at all, but your input has helped tremendously. Thanks again!!