Thanks everyone! I appreciate your input even if you're mean to me -- good honesty. :)
The details are that she said my hubby is verbally abusive and I'm not a natural mother (she denied this one but I kind of believe she said it). When I asked if she would apologize to my husband, she said that she couldn't do that because she believes it is true.
Now, my hubby and I go to therapy (preventative - we're not in marriage trouble) so I put it on the table in last session (waited for therapist to be present). When I told the therapist my sis wouldn't apologize, he asked what I thought. I agreed that he is "borderline." He's really just very short tempered, but he doesn't degrade me at all. He just snaps easily. But don't go overboard on this -- he's a really wonderful guy -- very loving and funny. Just ... impatient. So she sees these little snaps and then went blabbing to the family.
So is it a serious accusation? Yes. But now the therapist is trying to work on Dave's temper so the fight with sis is back burnered as far as having my therapist's help on the issue. And we only see the therapist every 3 wks or so... so meanwhile tick tock on the holidays. Oh and this weekend? It's my mother's birthday and we can't all go out to dinner together because my husband refuses to do so with sis and so mom said to just forget the whole thing. Ugh.
Where's mom in all this? She's caught in the middle like me... unsure how to handle. But she *may* go to TX for Christmas this year to spend with my neice (her first grandchild) since it will be her last child-hood Christmas (entering pre-teen) and my son is too young to know the difference. If she goes to TX, then hubby wants to go to Maine with his mother. More on this a few paragraphs below...
My marketing/honesty campaign makes me sound cold and emotionally detached? That's may be true. I've been called that before. What can I say? Thanks? The honesty campaign is for my sister mostly. She can be a little difficult -- a know it all, very narcisstic. So when she gets that way I just call her out on it instead of rolling my eyes and calling her narcisstic behind her back. Instead... by the likes of, "Please don't tell me how pretty you are. You're not supposed to say those things out loud. They sound conceited." Simple stuff. And by the way? She Loves it!
But asking to market each other better was just a way of saying it... When I had my talk with her about what I had heard she said, I told her that I didn't feel right reprimanding her for it since I had said unfavorable things about her, too. And then I told her I think she's narcistic and a know-it-all, and a bully. I told her that, since this whole thing began with a call to my cousin, that we need to be more careful about what we say about each other. If we're giving each other bad reps in the family, then we should start "marketing" each other better. Also, the honesty policy has put these kinds of things right on the table, so now she knows what I think of her and I know what she thinks of me.... and we work on fixing those perceptions, or fixing the behavior, whichever may be the truest.
And thanks to "barrett1993" who said: The point isn't that she doesn't want to visit the mom it's that her sister would be alone. She is opening her family to a woman her husband has know for a year while he is shutting out a woman who has most likely been there for her support for many moments throughout her life. EXACTLY! And I don't mind going to his mother's for Christmas - would be really great actually. I just don't want for my sister to feel shut out.... on purpose as it would be. And she's already considered inviting herself to Maine if this happens, and THAT? will not happen as far as my husband's concerned. So double whammy on her and it's mean.
I agree that if my husband doesn't want to see her (or isn't ready), then I need to stand by him. So she's been coming over to see the baby while we're at work (she works from home - sales - so her time is flexible). He never said she couldn't spend time with our son. And then I've been meeting her out to shop/eat, etc. And he said that he appreciates us doing these things around his schedule and not involving him or her coming over when he's home.
I just feel awful that I've finally got my sis and I at a good, honest point. There's been NO more negativity. We've been really healthy. But now he refuses to give her a chance. And come the holidays... ugh, she is going to CRY -- I can see it now. Plus she just got laid off so is a little fragile. She is SO into this baby (never had her own) and she absolutely Loves the holidays. And if my mother does Not go to TX, then he still won't allow her over for dinner/breakfast, etc. What, mom and I would bring baby to Sis on Christmas?.. and then my husband is left at home alone. It would be a real shame if we can't get it together.