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10-16-2012 at 1:44 PM
hunnybunnz
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Joined on 11-03-2003
Oregon
58 Posts
779 Points
hunnybunnz is not online. Last active: 10-16-2012, 10:22 PMNewbie

I feel like I make a terrible step parent!

New relationships are hard!  He has a 14 year old son, soon 15 year old. that I adore!  (I was a single parent myself.  However, my son is 21 years old, out on his own!)

I don't know if my maternal instincts are kicking into high gear!  But when it comes to his son, I tend to make mistakes...that anger my fi.  I need to learn to step back and remember that he is the parent.  He has the final say...that I need to ask permission.  Not get Jakes hopes up...then have his Dad tear them down...because of my mistake!

I apologized to Jake.  Explained to him that I should have talked to his father before mentioning it him.  he seemed to take it pretty well! I told him maybe next year, we could do what we planned.

I have never been in a realtionship where a man has taken full responsibilty of a child.  He takes financial, emotional, cooks, cleans, school work, and even Jakes future plans.  Jake gets straight A's.  The missing link in his life...Jakes mother wants nothing to do with him.  When she does talk to him.  she tells him about the new baby that she had.  The one that Jake has never met!  Then he becomes an emotional wreck!
 
10-16-2012 at 2:13 PM
TarponMono...
Top 500 Contributor
Joined on 01-14-2006
15,050 Posts
23,262 Points
TarponMonoxide is not online. Last active: 05-18-2013, 10:57 PMPlatinum

You and your FI need to discuss child rearing, child parenting, discipline and all other child issues out of the way before you get married.

You and he need to be a team and work on this together.

It goes without saying that your son is to show respect to all adults. That includes you and everybody else. He's not to mouth off or be nasty, etc.

Get all of this discussed and worked on and settled now; I'd hate to see the kid develop a trust issue --- not mistrust of you; he'll wind up mistrusting all adults.

He needs a good mother figure (maybe you are not his biological mother  but you are a mother figure and his step mother). And gee, that's sad and how: this still IS Jake's biological brother and he has never seen the baby?

That's definitely something for your H to address. She's got no contact with him at all --- what happened?

As I said, get all child rearing issues, etc out of the way now. Try a blended family support group, one that meets in person. GL.
 
10-16-2012 at 2:31 PM
hunnybunnz
Not Ranked
Joined on 11-03-2003
Oregon
58 Posts
779 Points
hunnybunnz is not online. Last active: 10-16-2012, 10:22 PMNewbie
When the Judge asked Jake who he wanted to live with.  He chose his father.  She became upset.  She decided then that she didnt want anything to with Jake.  She abandoned her own child. Then she got pregnant by someone else.  My FI is in the military.  So, His career took him and Jake to a different state!  My FI has remained in contact with her family.  So, if she really wanted to contact her son.  She could, when her family contacts him.  They make up stories about him.  They say he has changed his name...that is why she can't find him.  It just creates more DRAMA then what is necessary!
 
10-16-2012 at 2:33 PM
hunnybunnz
Not Ranked
Joined on 11-03-2003
Oregon
58 Posts
779 Points
hunnybunnz is not online. Last active: 10-16-2012, 10:22 PMNewbie
My FI has ADHD, so communication, parenting is difficult with him.  We have huge obstacles to overcome!  But we are commited!
 
10-16-2012 at 3:57 PM
TarponMono...
Top 500 Contributor
Joined on 01-14-2006
15,050 Posts
23,262 Points
TarponMonoxide is not online. Last active: 05-18-2013, 10:57 PMPlatinum
hunnybunnz:
When the Judge asked Jake who he wanted to live with.  He chose his father.  She became upset.  She decided then that she didnt want anything to with Jake.  She abandoned her own child. Then she got pregnant by someone else.  My FI is in the military.  So, His career took him and Jake to a different state!  My FI has remained in contact with her family.  So, if she really wanted to contact her son.  She could, when her family contacts him.  They make up stories about him.  They say he has changed his name...that is why she can't find him.  It just creates more DRAMA then what is necessary!


This is rough for all involved.

Maybe it would be a good idea to get him to acounselor, just for the marital rejection problem. This has to bother a kiddo and bother him on a very large scale.

That entire bunch that is family on her side sounds like a real bunch of bananas. What the hey....your FI changed his name? they told this to Jake??? This is horrible and said for him.

I don't know what you can do about that -- you and your FI sit down and explain to Jake that sometimes grown up people don't say or do the right thing when it comes to other people -- and point out that their words and what they say is not a good thing to say or do. (this bunch of bananas needs to be given a good piece of your mind and his but that's another story.)
 
10-16-2012 at 8:56 PM
hunnybunnz
Not Ranked
Joined on 11-03-2003
Oregon
58 Posts
779 Points
hunnybunnz is not online. Last active: 10-16-2012, 10:22 PMNewbie

His father didn't change his name!  Jakes email is still the same!  They know how to get ahold of him.  Her family do contact him.  But they hurt his feelings when they do!  So, jake doesn't answer the emails or his phone when they call.  Do you blame him?  For  the record, I don't live with Jake or his father!  Out of respect, I feel it is best to wait until after we are married.  I don't stay over night either! 

My Fi has very old fashioned values and so do I.  He has taught Jake to respect woman.  considering what he has gone through...jake is very kind and loving boy!  Respectful too!
 
10-17-2012 at 5:33 PM
lily_721
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Joined on 03-13-2007
1,207 Posts
13,655 Points
lily_721 is not online. Last active: 05-19-2013, 7:23 PMBronze

You may want to check out Blended Family on the bump. 

I have two SSs (18 and 16).  Their mom has pretty much stepped out at this point.  Occaisional phone calls/texts.  No visits, etc. 

I try to be a very consistent, fair, "mom" presence in their lives. 

My situation is different than yours.  I am their primary caregiver.  They have dinners with me each night, I handle the rewards and the punishments, I give dating advice, sex talks, etc  Unfortunately due to the economy, DH has had to take a major backseat with our family.
together since 2006
full time stepmom to SS1 and SS2 since 2010
married since 2011

TTC since 7/2011 (no planned bc since 2008)
HSG 11/2011: one blocked tube
S/A 2/2012 and retest S/A 3/2012: normal
Bloodwork: normal
2nd HSG 5/2012: clear
Femara cycle 5mg #1 7/14/12 + IUI #1 7/23/12 = bfn
New RE appt 8/14/12
IVF #1 meds 8/30/12. ER 9/14/2012: 7 retrieved, 6 fertilized. ET 9/19/12: 1 perfect embryo 5dt.
Beta #1 BFP! 97
Beta #2 234
Beta #3 4937
ultrasound #1 heart beat 127
10/20/12 graduated!!!
EDD 6/7/12

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