Men don't change when you marry them- you should not have expected him to change! Especially after living together for 2 years. My advice to you- let him forget to do a few things, and eventually he will learn to do them for himself. Don't be an enabler.

littlemisswitness:

Men don't change when you marry them- you should not have expected him to change! Especially after living together for 2 years. My advice to you- let him forget to do a few things, and eventually he will learn to do them for himself. Don't be an enabler.

This exactly. He may have a horrific case of procrastinating; either way, he shold be picking up the ball aond doing things -- I will bet you also that he grew up in a home where his mother did everhthing for him. When we were growing up, all of us had a "to do" list: kept our rooms reasonably neat, set the table, did the dishes, brought our laundry down to be washed, cut the lawn, helped clean the garage, got our own clothes ready for school the next day, etc. Overprotective and helicopter parents beget lazy adults.

He is definitely a momma's boy.  He is the youngest one and he has one older sister.  He grew up very fortunate.  His parents paid for his college.  He never really had to learn to take care of anything.  He doesn't know how to save money, and let alone call a car dealership.  I had to remind him again this morning, which he was mad about.  Instead of thanking me because I saved his busy work schedule and the recall part doesn't come in until January!  I am the complete opposite of the spectrum.  I had my first car I owned paid off in two years, by the age of 22 I bought my first home.  

Sorry doll. Looks like you're learning the hard way that marriage doesn't change people. In fact, it usually just encourages the habits they've already formed. Realize that this is simply a difference between the two of you and move on. Let him wipe his own behind, and if it costs him a few sacrifices, so be it. But for the love of your marriage, stop nagging him to do things your way. FWIW, this is also something that occurs in my marriage. I'm the take charge gal, while he prefers to be an ostrich. I weighed that against his better qualities (generosity, family devotion, wit, etc) and that helps temper the annoyance.

I am not trying to be a smart a$$, but did you think something magical was going to happen as soon as you two said, "I do." That he was going to all of sudden grow up. I am sorry but that is not how it works. Like PPs stated marriage does not change people.

JNL$LSM:

I am not trying to be a smart a$$, but did you think something magical was going to happen as soon as you two said, "I do." That he was going to all of sudden grow up. I am sorry but that is not how it works. Like PPs stated marriage does not change people.

I'm still floored that people think marriage is some magical elixir and all your partners flaws will suddenly disappear.

MrsMcC.10409:

Let him wipe his own behind, and if it costs him a few sacrifices, so be it. But for the love of your marriage, stop nagging him to do things your way.

Ditto. So he shows up Friday and they don't have the part, so sad for him and he learns his lesson. Making lists doesn't seem like a big deal. DH needs them sometimes, mostly so he can prepare for the weekend projects, get supplies, etc. Sometimes people just have different priorities.

Now if you are making him lists for basic things, stop and don't do his jobs either. Again let reality set in a bit. This may mean you deal with some dirty dishes or whatever, so what. He either steps up or you have a serious talk and are prepared to back it up with action.  

 

Katiesue04:

  I somehow put up with all his childish behavior but now we're married and you would think he could start acting like an adult.  .

This is where you went wrong.  Marriage ceremonies don't magically make adults out of children and it was quite foolish to think so.

Well like PP have mentioned, there isn't much you can do now.  If you wanted a grown, responsible man to build a life with, then you should have married one.  Wedding rings don't contain magic fairy dust.  When you said ' I do ' you agreed to take him for the man he was, not the one you eventually wanted him to be. 

The best you can do now is stop making telling him what to do and hopefully he will learn the consequences of his actions on his own. 

Katiesue04:

He is definitely a momma's boy.  He is the youngest one and he has one older sister.  He grew up very fortunate.  His parents paid for his college.  He never really had to learn to take care of anything.  He doesn't know how to save money, and let alone call a car dealership.  I had to remind him again this morning, which he was mad about.  Instead of thanking me because I saved his busy work schedule and the recall part doesn't come in until January!  I am the complete opposite of the spectrum.  I had my first car I owned paid off in two years, by the age of 22 I bought my first home.  

so why in heck did you marry somebody so inept?

 A momma's boy and a lazy middleschooler are 2 different things. He's a lazy middleschooler -- a mama's boy is much much different. That is a whole other story in itself.

You and he will have to meet on the same page with everything --- how, I do not know --- this is also woeful immaturity on his part.

 No amount of counseling will get this guy to grow up and be a man and a husband. You will have to do evertything you can to meet on the same page.

You'll have to come to terms with equal everything: housecleaning, chores, finances, you name it --- how you will accomplish this is a miracle.

You and he are already incompatible: you are independent, he's still in bloody middle school.

I can't figure out why you married a guy who is a boy and not a man. I don't see this marriage coming to a good end. You're on the same page? not on anything -- finance in particular -- and that's one of the essentials of a good marriage.

Unless this guy grows up in a hurry, I forsee you struggling with every issue alone -- and I foresee you and he arguing over everything.

That he can't handle money is unacceptable..  Money, sex and religion are the 3 biggies when it comes to what couples fight over the most. I don't see any hope for him here just for this alone. He will never learn to handle money on his own. You're his mother and not his partner and equal.

And I am wondering if this is just immaturity or  some sort of behavioral/emotional/mental issue in addition to the immaturity -- is it possible he's got some sort of a learning disability or on the autism spectrum somewhere? Laziness is one thing but the problems I mentioned are a whole other issue.

I would also suggest that he be tested for learning disabilities and other problems. Yikes....I am a horrific procrastinator myself but wow, certainly NOT to this degree that your H is. I suspect he's got other problems in addition to his laziness and immaturity.

In short:  You're going to somehow have to get him to grow up and be a man. As I said, this will take a miracle to accomplish.

Living together? isn't that supposed to be the acid test for you to see whether or not you can permanently and "legally" live with somebody on a 24/7 basis? As you said, you ignored his problems while you were living together. Instead, you married this guy --- what you should have done: run like hell when you saw what he was like.

I am wondering if you consider yourself a "fixer" of sorts -- and that's why you were willing to settle for somebody like your H --- you somehow thought you could fix it all. As you can see, that's not going to happen.

You married him like that, so deal with it. You can try to talk to him about it again, but it sounds like that wouldn't change anything.

I don't agree with pps that basically are saying to let his laziness bite him in the butt. If something happens to DH, it affects me.

In my marriage, I do basically all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills, planning, you name it whether I am working or not. My parent's marriage was the same way and I knew what I was getting into.  So, stop nagging him and continue doing what you were doing before you got married. You couldn't have been that unhappy if you married him knowing he was like this. 

You picked him, you tried him out, you kept him, you married him, you got what you did because that is what you picked!

congrats!  

NurseRobinson:

You married him like that, so deal with it. You can try to talk to him about it again, but it sounds like that wouldn't change anything.

I don't agree with pps that basically are saying to let his laziness bite him in the butt. If something happens to DH, it affects me.

In my marriage, I do basically all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills, planning, you name it whether I am working or not. My parent's marriage was the same way and I knew what I was getting into.  So, stop nagging him and continue doing what you were doing before you got married. You couldn't have been that unhappy if you married him knowing he was like this. 

Yup, I agree 

vpine:

NurseRobinson:

You married him like that, so deal with it. You can try to talk to him about it again, but it sounds like that wouldn't change anything.

I don't agree with pps that basically are saying to let his laziness bite him in the butt. If something happens to DH, it affects me.

In my marriage, I do basically all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills, planning, you name it whether I am working or not. My parent's marriage was the same way and I knew what I was getting into.  So, stop nagging him and continue doing what you were doing before you got married. You couldn't have been that unhappy if you married him knowing he was like this. 

Yup, I agree 

I third this. You knew what you were getting when you said I Do.

H is terrible at taking care of the cars, paying the bills, making doctor appointments, buying gifts/ cards for people and planing trips. I'm great at those things so I take care of it. H helps out with the garbage, cat litter n feedings, dishes, watering plants, laundry, cleaning, etc. and makes the majority of the money. I will call and talk to his parents to make plans if he doesn't want to and he'll do the same with mine. He picks up my slack and I pick up his. We work as a team and work well. His flaws are my strengths and vice versa. 

Katiesue04:

He is definitely a momma's boy.  He is the youngest one and he has one older sister.  He grew up very fortunate.  His parents paid for his college.  He never really had to learn to take care of anything.  He doesn't know how to save money, and let alone call a car dealership.  I had to remind him again this morning, which he was mad about.  Instead of thanking me because I saved his busy work schedule and the recall part doesn't come in until January!  I am the complete opposite of the spectrum.  I had my first car I owned paid off in two years, by the age of 22 I bought my first home.  

 

You said yourself he is a momma's boy...and now, he expects you to be his momma and do stuff for him...You knew this and married him regardless, so I have to say a lot of this is on your...You can try to put your foot down, but for two years you've accepted his behavior, so it would be difficult for him to change...

I suggest that you have a LONG talk with him about both your expectations and what you plan to do in the future...communication is the key and maybe it can change things in his mind. 

 

 

1. Love someone for who they are, not for what you can change them into. 

2. being married doesn't make someone your property. Let him do what he wants to do with his own vehicle and his own time. He isn't your child. 

3. you seem very defensive about how much more responsible and efficient you are than him. You are judging someone else based off how you feel you should behave. You aren't making allowances based on differing situations and temper. 

4. Sit back and look at this situation for a second. you are flipping out because he didn't do what you told him to do, over something that isn't your concern anyways (if IS his car, isnt it?) Whats REALLY the problem here? It isn't the car. It isn't how he' chooses to spend his time. Its that you think he's ignoring you. 

5. Whether its the right thing to call and get that appointment made immediately or not, if it were me, and someone was riding MY ass about it, i'd put it off on purpose out of spite because that isn't respectful behavior. That isn't cultivating a loving, trusting relationship. 

you guys need to have a serious chat. and not a nagging session, or a fight, or an attack. Your husband sounds like he's half a year away from shutting down completely because he will end up feeling like you think he can't do anything right, and it sounds like you have some insecurities that are causing you to ride his ass constantly on trivial things. You guys need to figure it out.

Pick your battles. If you forgets to pay bills, than take over his bills. If he forgets to take care of his car, then oh well, its his car. Otherwise you are going to drive yourself crazy with stress and resentment.

When you first get married the things you overlooked before suddenly become a cause for panic, like "OMG I am going to have to put up with this FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?" but it does balance out, with alot of compromise on both parts and alot of letting go and just time in general.

TarponMonoxide:

Overprotective and helicopter parents beget lazy adults.

 

yes and I see it every day at work with college kids who can't make a move without mommy or daddy calling my office to fix things that are their kids' responsibility.  

Actually as the boss at work , I see the college grads on time willing to stay after work and miss lunch, while the high school educated "street smart kids" have to have there breaks ,continually are late for work or always sick or need to leave early. Most of these street kids had single parent upbringings or had parents that allowed them to do whatever with no rules . All take college kids anytime over street kids , then again OP why didn't you just call and set up the appt? It seems to bother you so much , your acting like his mommy.

Actually as the boss at work , I see the college grads on time willing to stay after work and miss lunch, while the high school educated "street smart kids" have to have there breaks ,continually are late for work or always sick or need to leave early.

They are probably entitled to a break or 2 during the day --- in a lot of states, it's the law.

But when it comes to rule infractions like constant tardiness, constant absenteeism or virtual cutting out before quitting time, it's time to show this person the door. Rules are rules. You are to be on time, you take your 2 breaks (or one or however many there are that are permissibly allowed) and you do not leave early unless you have a legitimate reason. 

Most of these street kids had single parent upbringings or had parents that allowed them to do whatever with no rules . All take college kids anytime over street kids , then again OP why didn't you just call and set up the appt? It seems to bother you so much , your acting like his mommy.

That's just it: she is doing everything and he's done nothing.

binzy2524:

Actually as the boss at work , I see the college grads on time willing to stay after work and miss lunch, while the high school educated "street smart kids" have to have there breaks ,continually are late for work or always sick or need to leave early. Most of these street kids had single parent upbringings or had parents that allowed them to do whatever with no rules . All take college kids anytime over street kids , then again OP why didn't you just call and set up the appt? It seems to bother you so much , your acting like his mommy.

 I was raised by a single parent, and I have a Master's degree, never miss work, rarely take sick days and have never been late.  I work though breaks and lunch and will gladly come early, stay late and give 110%...I worked through high school and felt this way even then, as a cashier at the supermarket, I took my job seriously, as my mother taught me to do...so you're wrong about the single parent families...and your statement was ignorant.  Also, you wrote "all take college kids anytime over street kids...I think you meant I'll, which is a  contraction for I will.  Also, they have to have THEIR breaks...learn some grammar.  Not the brightest crayon in the box, are you? 

binzy2524:

Actually as the boss at work , I see the college grads on time willing to stay after work and miss lunch, while the high school educated "street smart kids" have to have there breaks ,continually are late for work or always sick or need to leave early. Most of these street kids had single parent upbringings or had parents that allowed them to do whatever with no rules . All take college kids anytime over street kids , then again OP why didn't you just call and set up the appt? It seems to bother you so much , your acting like his mommy.

I wish I knew what you were trying to say here, but the spelling and grammar is just terrible.  You're in charge of people?

binzy2524:

Actually as the boss at work , I see the college grads on time willing to stay after work and miss lunch, while the high school educated "street smart kids" have to have there breaks ,continually are late for work or always sick or need to leave early. Most of these street kids had single parent upbringings or had parents that allowed them to do whatever with no rules . All take college kids anytime over street kids , then again OP why didn't you just call and set up the appt? It seems to bother you so much , your acting like his mommy.

I am a high school educated worker, who was raised by a single parent. At work I take my break when my tasks allowed it, stay late after work if needed, and push back all my needs to get the job done. My mother taught me that kind of work ethic. She taught me to work hard at home as well as work. Which is why I go to school full time on top of work. You can't judge everyone by their cover.

People don't change after marriage. If anything they get more comfortable and sloppy.  I have my complaints about my dude and I know he has his about me!

 

Here's a thought:  Try mercy. You know your man is flakey, but what about his awesome qualities?  Perhaps since you are organized you can help him in that area. Why don't you make the call about the car part, as an act of kindness?

 

Another thing to think about: Are there places where you are less than stellar, where he picks up the slack? 

 

Nobody is perfect. :)