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12-14-2012 at 2:36 PM
karebearf8...
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karebearf83 is not online. Last active: 12-14-2012, 2:43 PMNewbie

9/10 times I have to be the "initiator"

So, my bf and I have been together a year now and he actually moved into the house that I own in August.  I'm not sure when this change happened, or if I ignored it for some time or not, but it seems that I alawys have to be the one to initiate.  I'm 29, so maybe I'm just in my "prime", but he is 24, so isn't he in his right now?  Once it gets going, it's always hot, but it's just that I'd love to feel like he wants to "get it going" more often than I do. 

The only factors I can think of are 1) that he is extremely stressed out at work (He says he is dealing with it better now than a few months ago, but I think that's just outwardly/ obviously.)  As in, he doesn't talk about it much, rather I can see it in his mood, etc...he's always exhausted after work - mentally, not physically, and I've noticed a change in his "patience" I guess you would call it.  Even with me.  As in, he takes an "annoyed" tone at the slightest thing sometimes, and other times that same thing he would just discuss as normal.  2) I have read recently that an rx he is on could potentially lower his sex-drive, as well.

My question - how do I approach him about this, or should i approach him at all?  I know this can be (anything to do with sex/ pleasure/ lack thereof) a touchy subject for men.  We used to always be able to talk about things but now he seems ultra touchy.  For example, the other morning I woke up and rolled over and said with a smirk "Thanks for waking back up last night."  We are both sarcastic and I wa assuming he would catch the drift of...thanks meaning, "I enjoyed myself", especially because he actually did initiate that time.  Instead he said "I know, I know...I'm always tired or whatever.  You know I'm sensitive about that right now" in an annoyed/ angry tone.  I said "No, I think you missed my point.  I was just saying thanks, literally.  That I had a good time."  By that time he was already out of bed and getting ready and didn't respond as if he were mad at me. 

 
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12-14-2012 at 4:55 PM
anssett
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anssett is not online. Last active: 05-18-2013, 12:53 AMNewbie

If he started taking a new medication that can impact his sex drive AFTER you started dating, that could be it. Read up on the drug and then talk to him about talking to his doctor (while clothed and not initiating anything).

 

Otherwise, sex does diminish in long term relationships but 1 year isn't long, and usually it decreases in regularity but increases in connection because you understand each other's bodies better. I would think carefully about how long you're willing to deal with less sex than you want, and a partner who sounds like he doesn't want to work on your connection and please you. There's always more to a story but this tid bit sounds scary to me for long term prospects.

 

How do you talk to him now? Like you are. "Baby, you're the hottest thing since sliced bread and I'd love to screw you anytime you want!" Aim for playful but eventually he will either get over this stupid sensitivity cr*p or you'll move on. (I suspect)
 
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12-14-2012 at 8:34 PM
TarponMono...
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TarponMonoxide is not online. Last active: 05-21-2013, 4:29 PMPlatinum
This relationship is over.

Sux, but it happens.

Do yourself a favor: call this relationship a day, cut your losses and move on --- and go and find a guy who thinks you're red hot and who is an absolute animal in bed...and usually is the initiator.:)

And even if it is not over, you and he are not sexually compatible; why do you want a guy who never initiates sex?

I'd say goodbye to him. Give it some thought.
 
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12-16-2012 at 6:16 PM
honeydrop
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honeydrop is not online. Last active: 04-09-2013, 7:12 PMNewbie

He seems very immature &  like a jerk to me. Has he always had such poor commutation skills?  If you still want to talk to him about it do it outside of the bedroom. Good luck 
 
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12-20-2012 at 4:25 PM
andreamart...
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andreamartinets is not online. Last active: 03-29-2013, 6:59 PMNewbie
I am having the same problem, except add that we just got married after dating for 4 years. The entire time we dated he constantly initiated physical intimacy - TMI but we could barely even get through a movie. Now that we are married, I initiate the majority of the time and we are only having sex about 3 times a week. Not nearly as much as I would like... I have talked to him about it and he just says he feels like his libido has gone way down. I just can't understand the sudden change. Any suggestions?
 
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12-21-2012 at 12:12 PM
stacey1508
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louisiana
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stacey1508 is not online. Last active: 04-23-2013, 8:58 AMNewbie
I can't believe people think this is grounds for calling the relationship quits. Our sex lives fluctuate and go through changes just like anything else in our lives. It's not abnormal and it doesn't mean he doesn't love you.  My husband also has a stressful job and frequently comes home exhausted or stressed out. It has definitely affected his sex drive (i.e. he is much less interested), and he's also sensitive about it like your boyfriend. He feels like he's letting me down if I point out that we don't do it as much as I would like.  If I were you, I'd probably take some of the pressure off.  If you're still doing it frequently, and he's into it once you start, he obviously still enjoys it and wants to please you.  Tell him straightforwardly that you'd like it if he initiated a little more, and then let him take it from there. You could also help him find ways to cope with his stress.  I know it's hard when he won't talk about it with you (my husband doesn't either), but you could recommend things he enjoys or just help him take his mind off of it as much as possible.  It just sounds like a rough patch...hope things get better!
N/A 
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12-21-2012 at 12:17 PM
andreamart...
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andreamartinets is not online. Last active: 03-29-2013, 6:59 PMNewbie
I agree this should never be a relationship ender. A relationship should never be just about the physical intimacy anyways. Emotional intimacy should lead to physical, never the other way around. 
 
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12-25-2012 at 10:13 PM
rikkidee28
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rikkidee28 is not online. Last active: 04-09-2013, 1:30 AMNewbie

I am reading this post because I am in a similar situation. My husband and I have been married for 6 months after dating for many years. We don't have any kids. He does have a stressful job. He tends to self medicate by drinking and smoking cigarettes with our neighbors.

 

I typically initiate any sex we have now and it is usually only 1 a month. I don't want  to pester him or come on too strong, but I need at least 1 a week. I have told him this several times. I just try to let the issue go a lot because I don't want to hurt his ego.

When we first started dating, we had sex every day. Even two years into our relationship, it was 4-5 times a week.

We are both in our 30s now, so maybe age has something to do with it too. I was going to try to put something special on for him and excite him tonight but when he walked in he glanced at me and went straight to bed.

So frustrating. We do love each other and get along well usually. We just fought today in part because of this.

 

 

 

 
 
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