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12-21-2012 at 3:05 AM
meganhoppe...
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meganhopper is not online. Last active: 03-02-2013, 6:06 AMNewbie

To join or not to join?

Ok nesties, I need opinions... My hubs and I have been married for a year now. We currently have separate bank accounts. We are on each others, so if need be we could access them, but for the most part we don't deal with the others account. He makes more money so he pays all the bills, buy sometimes i feel he resents me fOr this . we both sometimes make comments like "I paid for this" or " I paid for that", but have never been in any blown out arguments over money yet. Is keeping separate  accounts safe? Do you have shared or joint accounts?? I wonder if life would be easier if we joined accounts, but I think we both enjoy being over our own finances. Input would be much appreciated! 
 
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12-21-2012 at 5:26 AM
Kimbus22
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It's a really personal decision.  DH and I have always only had a joint account, since we moved in together long before we got married.  It's just easier to not keep track of who pays for what and to not have to move money back and forth.  All the money goes in one place, the bills get paid and then if either of us wants to get something that's more than about $100, we just run it by the other one first.  DH doesn't even know our bank account number. I do all the money stuff since I'm more conservative in that regard than he is.

But we have friends who are total opposites about how they spend/save and for them it's much easier to have separate accounts so they don't get annoyed at how their spouse is spending money. They keep one joint account for household/family expenses and they each contribute to that but they keep separate accounts for their personal purchases.
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12-21-2012 at 7:02 AM
Sisugal
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I recommend reading Smart Couples Finish RIch by David Bach.  THe first few chapters focus on questions for each party to think about and answer concerning different values, goals etc and then sharing answers with each other.  The purpose is to help each party to understand their partner's emotional relationship with money, values goals etc.  This helps in establishing a budget/plan that works for both people. Don't skip those chapters!

Personally, I like focusing more on the WE factor in marriage - you are married and partners - not individuals- roommates operating separately.  Consider having all income going into a joint pot from which all expenses are paid, savings are set aside (for both emergencies as well as  other financial goals).  Each person can have an "allowance" transfered to their individual accounts which is theirs to do what they choose with no accountability. (The book above will help you make decisions based on your answers/discussions to the questions)

Your value/ power in the relationship is not based on your incomes!
 
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12-21-2012 at 8:12 AM
polooo26
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It's all about what works for you. It sounds like sepperate accounts work well for you. When we got married we opened a joint account and kept our sepperate accounts. It works for us. We don't really touch the joint account much, but it's set up for when we decide we want to.
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12-21-2012 at 11:30 AM
RenoisPret...
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I think before you do anything, you should explore with him if he truly resents you for having an income not equal to his......that should not exist in a marriage.
 
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12-21-2012 at 6:29 PM
LS45
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For me, part of a marriage is the joint management of money.  It seems weird that one spouse would pay all of the bills.  What do you do with your money then? Don't you have common goals for savings, retirement, etc?  Maybe it's time to sit down and talk about what would work best for you both going forward.
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12-21-2012 at 6:59 PM
Mama-Bear
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Sisugal:

Personally, I like focusing more on the WE factor in marriage - you are married and partners - not individuals- roommates operating separately.  Consider having all income going into a joint pot from which all expenses are paid, savings are set aside (for both emergencies as well as  other financial goals).  Each person can have an "allowance" transfered to their individual accounts which is theirs to do what they choose with no accountability. (The book above will help you make decisions based on your answers/discussions to the questions)

Your value/ power in the relationship is not based on your incomes!

This.  I'm currently a SAHM but worked before we had kids.  I couldn't imagine comparing my income to DH's.  Even before we got married we had "OUR" money.  Whether he resents you or not, I don't think the "I paid for ____" is a bonus, I think it's keeping score and that can't be healthy for a marriage.  Also, would you ever want to be a SAHM (or he a SAHD), if so, you both need to get over this "my money" vs. "his money" mentality (not saying that anyone should be a SAHP, just something to think about for in the future).

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12-22-2012 at 1:11 PM
Kaiene
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It's what works for you.

We used to have a yours, mine and ours system.  We had a joint checking account that paid for joint bills, and separate checking accounts that paid for bills in our names only.  

Once I got pregnant, we felt it would be easier to combine everything, so we did.  It's been an easy switch for us.  Now we have a joint checking and savings, plus separate checking accounts. 

We have ground rules about spending and what's fun money vs what's not, which I think helps avoid arguments.  We also view everything as "ours." So even though he got a bonus last year, we used it to pay off my student loan.

Combining our accounts is helping us reach our goals faster. 
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12-24-2012 at 2:46 PM
sillygoose...
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Joint accounts upon marriage was an absolute requirement for me.  Fortunately, DH felt the same way.  Not only did I take a large paycut to move to the city where DH was going to grad school, but we plan for me to be a SAHM in the future.  Our individual contributions to our marriage are so much more than our individual salaries.  I think that's true in any good marriage, but it just becomes that much more true if like us you are a couple who relocates for job opportunities, or chooses to specialize with one person doing more of the work at home while the other works more.  

That said, if he resents that he pays all the bills because your income is smaller, joint accounts aren't likely to fix his attitude.  You'll still have the smaller income, so he could still tell himself and you that he is paying for everything, and then complain about you trying to control his money as well.  Joint accounts will force you to talk about this problem, but it isn't going to magically solve it.  I second the recommendation for "Smart Couples Finish Rich," and I think you should consider waiting to combine accounts until you are on the same page about your money rather than trying to use account setup to fix his bad attitude.
 
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12-26-2012 at 5:24 PM
amynic1
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We have been married for 10 years and have always had separate bank accounts. It was out of neccesity. My husband managed his money poorly before we got married. So it was the smart thing for me to do, to protect our income. He was a teacher who got paid once a month, so how it worked out for us was he paid for the mortgage, car payments, and his student loans. That left him with about $300 for the rest of the month for gas and some groceries that he would pick up for dinner on the way home. He lost his teaching job a couple of years ago, so his bank account became non existent. He still has it, but it's not in use. We work everything through my account. It used to be his money vs my money, but when you go down to one income it became "our money" real fast. It has made us really be able to come together financially and talk about our spending/saving. It is still my account that we use, but it now acts like a joint account. You got some great feed back. You just need to see what will work best for the two of you. Good luck!
 
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